“If you don’t change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”
-Lao Tzu

Change is hard. And I’m kind of lazy. I like the repetition and security of a routine. But soon, you start recognizing the same scenery again and again. You realize you’ve been moving in circles and not really going anywhere. At least not where you thought you were.

I sit here on the eve of a major change in my direction. Moving from a worker bee up to a supervisor. I’ve had supervisory positions before, but more as a crew chief or lead, not quite on this level. I will be a shift supervisor in charge of dozens of people and the production of the plant. Granted, I’ll be on a short leash at first. I’ll likely be under to watchful eyes of the other supervisors until they’re comfortable with taking the training wheels off. I’m okay with that, honestly. I’d do the same thing.

For me, it’s the nervous excitement that comes with doing something new. Nervous excitement makes me… Nervous. I know all of the players here. I’ve worked with most, if not all, of them for years. But not on a one-on-one basis. They don’t know me personally. They know me, professionally, for lack of a better term. We deal with each other on issues that are of common concern. Outside of that, we don’t really work together. So they don’t understand who I am.

So that’s the work side. On the personal side, it’s even more of a shitshow. I’m in a relationship that’s truly a dead man walking. It isn’t what I’d call a “healthy” relationship. But it’s familiar. And again, I’m lazy and like the comfort of a routine. And that’s what this is. Routine. The same scenery, over and over. It frustrates me that I don’t have a clean, convenient way to get out of it. And I truly want out of it. I know and understand to my very core that it isn’t good for me.

My stumbling block is guilt. By allowing this relationship to occur (or reoccur) I feel some level of responsibility or obligation to my partner. Why? I’m not sure. Because it honestly feels like it isn’t being reciprocated. I feel like I’m being played. Used for as long as I’m helpful and eventually, left. Again.

Maybe that’s just butthurt talking. I’m not entirely sure I [properly] dealt with the previous collapse of the relationship. Seeing how I’m pretty much right back where I was, but worse, is convincing evidence of that. I failed to learn from my previous mistakes. And that frustrates me greatly. I hate making mistakes and when I do, I only want to make them once. Now I’m eyeball deep in Round 2.

Change professionally, change personally. Things have been set in to motion that can not be easily undone. And going where I was headed is really no longer on the table. Too many unknowns for my liking but that’s the way it needs to be for a while. The dust will eventually clear and then I can take stock of things and see where I’m headed. I’m sure there will be future course corrections, but that’s for later. Right now, it’s time to hang on and see what happens.